Howdy! Oh, Xanga how I've missed ye!! I like writing here...not many people will read it...so I can be more open. This has possibly been the strangest three or four months of my life... I lost what could've been the best friend I'll ever have. I don't know how to describe that feeling. Yeah, it started as a romantic thing, but all I wanted in the end was a friend who'd fully understand me, and I blew it. I really screwed up...and I think that's the theme so far for me in 2008. I keep screwing up and having to pay the consequences. My struggles with procrastination and flat laziness have caused me to fail a six weeks of physics...which eliminates any chance for an officer position next year in band. That sucks. So basically....my three year dream of drum major was crushed because of 4 daily grades i just didn't do... But overall I think i'm really doing okay. I'm ready for a new life. I'm a year early though, so I'll deal with senior year like everyone else has to when they feel like this. I don't even know anymore. I guess I'll just get a move on, looking for a college at least 4 hours away. I need to be away.... I need to get out. I've been letting music speak for me a lot....and it just seems that so many songs work for me...but I've figured out the song that best fits my life, "I Don't Trust Myself (With Loving You)" by John Mayer, off his Continuum album. "I will beg my way into your garden
And then I'll break my way out when it rains
Just to get back to the place where I started
So I can want you back all over again
(I don't really understand)" That has defined my high school life.... and sadly high school is 4 years instead of 3. Eventually I figure I'll get out of this. I try not to fake my happiness. And during the day I don't. It's just when I'm sitting here alone at night that I think this much. Tonight...and maybe even here in the next few hours..I'll be spending time at the marching field I marched on for my first 3 years. It'll be gone next year...and perhaps this is life changing for me. Maybe this is me finally growing up and realizing my place.... A couple of days ago I saw a Calvin and Hobbes strip where Calvin is staring into the stars at night and he's screaming "I'M SIGNIFICANT!!" and that's me... I need to feel important, but I usually don't. I can't figure it out, but when I feel like I'm nobody I just wanna get up and go. And that's me now. What legacy do I leave here at Richland High School? I won't be on any of the band plaques. I haven't done anything worth being recognized outside of band. I'll just be another nameless soul that passes through these damn halls and I can't get used to that. I have to be somebody.... and that's the core of my being. I need to feel like I'm effecting some other persons life in some way... But the reality of this is... I gotta learn I'm not the greatest man who ever lived. I'm just me. But it's gonna take me lots of time to come to terms with that thanks ~patrick l. krukowski | 
